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Post by * amanda on Jun 18, 2006 23:36:34 GMT -5
Hi everyone... well, I'm posting this because I am hoping to get a little hope and inspiration from you guys. and since we've all known each other for kind of a long time I'm not sure we've ever gotten into some of this personal kind of stuff so I thought it might be interesting not to mention helpful to me and hopefully others as well. Before I get to my question, which also happens to be the topic of this thread, I want to let you know a little bit more about why I'm asking it. from my recent posts on the other board you probably can guess why, but it goes a bit further than that. I'm at a really weird point in my life and I imagine all of you have been in a similarly ambiguous point in your life. As you all know I just graduated from an incredibly challenging university in Montreal. Overall, I am happy about the unique experiences I had there. But looking back, I now realize I was also relatively frequently unhappy there more on a day-to-day basis because of the intense nature of my university and classes (out of 4 years' worth of classes I think I truly enjoyed only about 5 of them) and because I was so far away from home and my family who I love. All of the unique experiences in the world, knowledge gained, and a few fun times with friends couldn't take away the pain of homesickness and consistently feeling alone and trapped by school work. in fact, this board has grown to be so important to me because it is one of the little ways that I found helped me to relax and de-stress and forget some of these things when some days ended up being rockier than others. But that's over. as you know I had decided to stay for 1 year in Montreal because I got offered this really awesome job that no one at the entry level gets offered (it's because I had some powerful connections). I thought it sounded amazing until I met the frigid, unwelcoming, unprofessional, and (pardonez-moi) ******y future co-workers and realize how far I'll have to go to prove myself once I start work. (I haven't started yet, for reasons relating to the unprofessionalism of most of the company.) I also thought I had my boyfriend, who I loved very much, and his family who were so nice and always including and welcoming of me, as kind of a nice solid support system there. But, as you know formerly textbook-perfect boyfriend who I never fought with and who never did anything wrong and who I had tons of fun with and who also happened to be my first real long-term serious relationship suddenly and unsuspectingly snapped and broke up with me last week. Because of what he did and what he said I think at this point our relationship is irreparable. so, If I go back to Montreal, I face a year of relatively inaccessible friends, a broken heart, and no family within 1,000 miles of me, not to mention a job that I will probably hate. That just seems so unhealthy to me... and so unnecessary when I have a lot going for me and have the world at my feet. I thought I knew what would make me happy, but now I don't. I could move back home with my family for a while, but I don't know if that will make me happy or just trapped and alone in a different way. I can freelance write in Michigan for a little while, but because of the economy here I will have to look elsewhere for a job and probably won't find as prestigious of one as I have in Montreal for a long while. Maybe I will choose to go to school the following year, but that requires a lot of committment that I don't know if I'll be ready for. My friends are mostly not around here, they're kind of scattered around the world now. I want a relationship, and although I am relatively successful *knock on wood* at finding dates and I thought I was a good judge of character, after being unexpectedly dumped twice in 11 months by people I thought were good people who I could trust, my confidence is shaken. Lately, I feel like happiness is temporary and can change in an instant and that scares me because I used to be more optimistic and idealistic than that. I know that since I'm smart, healthy, and have a great supportive family, I am billions of times more lucky than most people in the world, so I am NOT complaining. Luckily I have gotten a lot of encouragement the past few days from good friends and my family so that is keeping me content. But I still feel like I don't know how to find what's going to make me happy and that is terribly frustrating. That's why I'm asking, "how are you happy?". I'm looking for your personal stories. What makes you happy now? Is it different than what you used to think would make you happy? When did you decide on what will make you happy and how did you make it come true? How, when you're at a weird crossroads sort of point in your life, do you decide what to do? I hope to find a little hope and inspiration from what you have to say. Thanks and I hope you all have a happy week.
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Post by sjr0301 on Jun 19, 2006 9:49:01 GMT -5
Amanda,
That's quite a question. It is one of the enduringly wonderful things about Americans that we expect to be happy, we believe we have a right to be happy and we are so puzzled when we are not. I have no absolute answers for you because happiness is actually something that comes when it comes and goes when it goes, not always for reasons we comprehend.
What makes me happy: my family. When my children laugh. When they are happy. When they succeed at something difficult. When we all sit down together at a meal and just relax. Talking to my Dad and and my sisters. Dancing. When I get something just right at work. When my cat sits on my lap and purrs. Writing. And all sorts of other little things that might seem small and shallow to others, like reading a good story or finding a cool art print to hang in my house or my office.
I understand how difficult it is to know how much of your happiness is connected to work or to family or to romance. I do believe it is important to strive to find work that is challenging, that you like and to which you can apply your talents. I can tell you that I have worked at a number things, from teaching ballet, which I loved and couldn't survive on, to teaching high school, which I didn't like, but did because I felt I had to earn a living, to working in law, which I enjoy most of the time and which makes me feel that I challenge myself quite often. I can't tell you to throw away a wonderful opportunity in Montreal because you fear you will hate it; nor can I tell you that going home to a limited situation just to be near your family when you are miserable is wise. What I do think you should do is follow your heart and your gut instinct as to what is best for you.
I think also, that you are young, single, gifted, and no decision you make will "ruin" your life at this point. If you decided to backpack in Europe for a year or join the Peace Corps or take that job freelance writing and work on your first novel, you have the freedom to do those things because you don't have the responsibility of taking care of others just now, only yourself.
So - no anwers. Sometimes it's hard to stand aside from your present unhappiness, but truly, things get better. You will never be happy all the time. What matters is that you pursue your dreams, work at them, and try to avoid doing harm to others.
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Post by Richard on Jun 19, 2006 11:06:34 GMT -5
Hi Amanda,
It is an interesting question, what makes one happy. I looked into an online dictionary and found the following definition:
hap•py (h p ) adj. hap•pi•er, hap•pi•est 1. Characterized by good luck; fortunate. 2. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. 3. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase. 4. Cheerful; willing: happy to help. 5. a. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy. b. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy.
For me, happiness is definition 2 and 4, a feeling of pleasure / joy and cheerfulness. There are several things in my life that make me happy. My family and friends make me happy. I know I always have them for support (if I need any) and I can have a good time with them. That thought is certainly something that makes me happy.
Another part of my happiness comes from my school / career. I am very pleased with the ‘career path’ that I have chosen. My work is challenging, and that will probably remain so, and I can get great pleasure from completing those challenges successfully. I have great colleagues and I just like the work that I do.
While my Sint Maarten adventure will be over in 6 weeks (OMG!), and I don’t like that idea, I can look back to a very successful period in which I had to start from scratch and somehow managed to create a life here far away from home. I’ve met many great people here and experienced many wonderful things. I don’t want to sound egocentric, but I’m proud of myself that I have accomplished that. It makes me happy to know that I have accomplished something already, however small it might seem to somebody, for me it is a personal victory. A couple of years ago, I would never have done something like this, but now that I have, I want more. The world is so big, there are so many places that I want to visit. That is something I want to do more often: traveling and seeing different countries and places. I know I will be able to do so in the future.
The only thing ‘missing’ in my life is a girlfriend. I’ve been single for some time now, and I think it has made it easier to do what I’m doing (for instance moving to the other side of the world for 6+ months or go out with friends when I want to). Though I like the ‘single’-life for now, there will be a point in my life when I want to get married and start a nice (big) family. When that will be, I don’t know, what I do know is that I’m too young to worry about that (I just turned 21). I’ve got plenty of time left.
OK, before I end this, there is something else that makes me happy, which is Harry Potter. The thrill that comes with a new book release, the anticipation, the excitement, it makes me happy. I love discussing HP, something that has become very close to me, and I feel a great bond with you guys. I’m so looking forward to meeting every one of you! London 2007 will be wicked awesome! I think Harry Potter has changed my life in a way, and I don’t think I’m the only one who can say that. Going back to the happiness, I get happy when I read those books, when I get pulled into Harry’s world.
Currently, what makes me happy is the thought that I still have 6 great weeks to spent on this wonderful island and that when I return home, I can see my family and friends again. And I know it will continue to make me happy.
Amanda, I hope this helped somehow. I don’t know you personally, but from what I can tell you are a smart person with a great future filled with opportunity ahead of you, even though the short term seems unclear and uncertain. Just think that it is something you have to go through. Life can't be all fun and happiness (unfortunately). Certain things happen that aren't fun. You just have to go through these periods, and believe that better times will come, because they will.
Richard
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Post by Fins on Jun 19, 2006 20:37:28 GMT -5
What makes you happy... is that all you want to know? Hmmm.
First, if you'll indulge me for a minute or two, I'll comment on your situation. First off, again, sorry about your b/f situation. There really isn't much anyone can say to make you feel better... other than just keep 'pluggin'... don't give up. Your note about "not knowing how to find what makes you happy" reminds me of the movie Castaway at the end... keep moving because you never know what the tide brings in... if you don't remember that, go see it as its very apt. Just keep moving forward... life will come at you regardless requiring you to make decisions. At times you will debate all the possibilities. And when you make your choice, do it with all your heart and all your passion. As SJR says, trust your instincts. If you determine, you made a wrong choice... make another choice. It would be foolish to think that you'll go thru life making the right choice all the time. My advice about the Montreal job... try it. Give it a year... if you still hate it, then make another choice. You gain experience... and find out what you like and don't like. If you wish to go back to school, do it with all your heart and passion... don't look back. And to be honest, you don't strike me as a type that has a problem making friends. You seem to go everywhere in the world and make friends... Brazil, Portugal, Italy, Canada. Give yourself some credit here... wherever you go, you will find friends.
Ok... enough of the "Dennis Miller" rant.....
What makes me happy? Good question. Could also ask, "What are my passions? What do I put my heart and soul into?" Since I'm not married and don't have kids, my happiness is being with my nieces... scuba diving with Melinda-27 and Erin-27, skiing with Madison-13 and Abby-11, going to see Gabriella- 5 and Francesca's-7 ballet and piano receitals (sp?). I treasure them dearly. I also love 'spiritual' moments- not necessarily meaning religious. It could be as simple as being in a forest with snow all around where its so quiet its deafening... or seeing sunrise atop Rocky Mountain National Park... or listening to a song that is especially moving. There are many things in life that are spiritually moving, most of the time you don't know what they are until you experience them. Its an amazing feeling when you realize what they are. Travelling makes me happy, experiencing other cultures, a good bottle of wine, going to concerts (rock, jazz, classical), dinners with my family, golfing with my dad (although don't do that much anymore- and that makes me sad).
To sum up... there is no right or wrong, only choices. All you can do is create a process on how to evaluate them effectively (starting to sound like a manager of engineers here). As far as happy... its a static and dynamic thing. Some things will always make you happy. On the flip side, what makes you happy today doesn't necessarily mean that it will make you happy tomorrow.
Hope this helps. For some inspiring lyrics, look up Dan Fogelberg's song called Nether Lands... they are very inspiring. Let me know what you think... good luck.
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Post by sapphire on Jun 19, 2006 22:22:27 GMT -5
Hiya Amanda. What an intriguing question, and what brilliant responses from my fellow MUGWUMPS! I am feeling hard-pressed to add anything to their wisdom. I think each day holds the promise of the possibility of happiness. It is such an ephemeral, ethereal kind of thing you often don't realize you possess it until it's gone. Rather than chase that diaphanous spirit, I can only echo Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society: "Carpe Diem--seize the day!" Know that what you are going through right now is exactly what you are supposed to be going through. (Believe me, I know that doesn't help at all!) Also know that you will face this many, many times in your life and it never gets any easier. I learned a lot about happiness after my marriage ended and my mother died. For awhile, I thought I would never be happy again. I asked myself what brought me pleasure, and one thing came to mind: Harry Potter. Then I thought, "That's silly." Then I thought, "Who cares?" As you know, I decided to follow that passion, and look what came of it: I have been places I never would have been, had experiences I never dreamt I would have and met people from places I never expected . I have dear friends that, three years later I still love to chat with and I plan exciting, exotic adventures that--who knows--might include finally and irrevocably, some serious hair mussing? As for everyday, garden variety happiness (the REAL things!) these things bring me joy (in no particular order): Friends My pets Music My work (at least the kid part) Solitude A great Route 44 ice tea with extra ice Sunsets The smell of roses Chocolate Good books Bad puns Waking up every day not knowing what great things the day might bring. And, of course, my beloved Harry Potter. How irritating of me to include Dumbledore's immortal words: "It's our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Make the choices that have the best chance of making you feel proud of yourself years from now.
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Post by sapphire on Jun 19, 2006 22:31:26 GMT -5
I forgot your question about now vs. earlier sources of happiness. Yes, I find that what makes me happy has changed drastically as the years have passed. It seems to be developmental, I think. Or perhaps life experiences with things you thought would make you happy only to find out you were wrong. I used to think that having lots of possessions, money, success, would make me happy. I discovered that possessions become things you have to dust, money only causes problems and success is in the eye of the beholder.
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Post by blackngold on Jun 20, 2006 10:55:44 GMT -5
Darn it, Sapphire, I was going to make that ephemeral, etheral point and you beat me to it .
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Post by blackngold on Jun 20, 2006 10:56:07 GMT -5
This is a really intriguing topic and I wanted to take my time to get some really good stuff written down. Having failed at that, you are getting this instead. I find that my present state of mind is more in tune with your emotional state. When I changed my tag line to “remember, Fate is waiting just around the corner with brass knuckles”, I was just quoting one of my favorite PG Wodehouse lines. Little did I know that it was waiting for you, Amanda.
So, I will attempt to define happiness by defining unhappiness. After that I will set down some examples of things that have made me happy. We’ll start as far back as I can remember which sadly isn’t as far or as complete as it used to be and bring it up to current events
1) My oldest sister (8 yrs older than me) going to college. We were always a fairly tight knit family and at 10 yrs old I was not prepared for the cocoon to be opened yet. I am not saying that I moped around for ages. It was just the realization that things were changing. 2) The girl I most liked in high school having a succession of boy friends who weren’t me. Again, I wouldn’t necessarily say that I was unhappy during this time period, only that I felt I could be happier. 3) Failing out of the University of Pennsylvania. I had always done well in school without having to put forth much (any) effort. College was a bit of a shock to me. I distinctly remember getting 135 out of 150 on a calculus test and getting a C. The teacher graded on a curve. I never knew curves could work that way. Now, of course, in a bit of delicious irony, I work for the U of Penn Health System. 4) Getting fired the day I returned from my honeymoon. Entirely deserved, but still a bit of a shock. I did not particularly like that job (a recurrent theme in my life), but as with all newlyweds money was a bit of an issue at the time. Really that firing set in motion most of the decisions in my life. Looking back, it was a bit of a blessing. 5) The death of Zeus (my dog, not the Greek god. Just so there is no misunderstanding)
Other than these examples and the bit that is coming next, I would describe everything that is not these distinct episodes as being happy. If fact, viewing my childhood through the rose colored glasses of fading memory, I would go so far as to say idyllic.
The last year/year and a half of my life has been the longest period of sustained unhappiness in my life. Although this seems like a very long time, I would not characterize it as depression. I don’t wake up in the morning and just want to lie in bed all day. It is just the knowledge that I have been happier on a day to day basis in the past, could be happier now, and expect to be happier in the future – just not the near future. Certainly, my mother’s illness, rapid degeneration and merciful death play the chief role in this malaise. These days when I read something funny or interesting that I want to share with someone, I am constantly reminded that the person I most want to share it with is not there. Going forward, there is the niggling day-to-day worry about my 81-year-old father now living alone for the first time in his life 300 miles from his nearest offspring. He is facing his own cognitive issues and my sisters and I are struggling with what should be done and when the right time to do it will be.
Additionally, as you may or may not remember, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (who has Downs’ Syndrome) live with us. MiL had a heart attack some year’s back and my wife was faced with the same situation that my sisters and I face now – single parent living alone miles from the people that care about her most. I will tell you now that I have never liked my MiL from the moment I met her, but I do have sympathy for her. Life dealt her a very raw deal. Her first child had Downs’ Syndrome and her husband died when her youngest child (my wife) was just five. She worked as a nurse in a nursing home to support her family. My theory is that working there used up every ounce of niceness and compassion in her body so that now she is a bitter, nasty person, not all the time mind you but it lurks very near the surface. I dread the effect that she is having on my child. It makes me very angry sometimes when I think of what my mother would have done with the opportunity for daily interaction with her granddaughter and how my MiL squanders it.
After the heart attack my wife insisted that she move in with us. Without being able to work, MiL did not have the financial wherewithal to support herself and my SiL. We did not have the money to support her from afar. My wife, at the time, had a very different view of her mother than I did (quite naturally) and did not foresee the effect my MiL would have on her (my wife). The stress my wife feels from their mother-daughter relationship has spilled over somewhat to our marriage. As much as I tell her not to she second guesses herself on the decision we made, because really I don’t think there was much alternative.
Lastly, the SiL is ill. The doctors have not been able to determine what is wrong with her. She lost about 70 pounds in a six month period. The weight loss seems to have tapered off. The SiL’s cognitive abilities are also decreasing. My MiL doesn’t seem to be handling this very well.
Anyway, enough whining for now. Next up, things that make me happy.
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Post by blackngold on Jun 20, 2006 11:07:26 GMT -5
Damn, I forgot the tag line. There was going to be a bit more about how I never find work particulary fulfilling. I work to live and not the other way around. Then I was going to end it all up by saying, "I'm just a motorcycle purchase short of a mid-life crisis." Reading this now it loses something, but I liked the line so I am posting it anyway.
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Post by blackngold on Jun 20, 2006 12:31:09 GMT -5
Let’s see. Things that make me happy (and after that last post, you didn’t think there was anything).
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens; Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
Oops, those are Maria von Trapps’
Here are mine in no particular order
1) Sex. What can I say? I’m a guy. 2) The birth of my daughter and the story that surrounds it. 3) My daughter in general. My brother-in-law put it best. “With kids there are higher highs and lower lows.” 4) She said, “YES!!!!!!!!!” (my future wife) 5) Playing catch with my dad. 6) After failing out of Penn, I was working as a teller. I was living at home, working a fairly stress-free job. I would come home and bolt dinner down and go out play pick up basketball games until 9 or 10. I did that 4 nights per week and from 12 to 2 on Saturdays and Sundays. It was a very carefree existence, uncomplicated by women, work or money. 7) Robotron. Outside of Fins, I don’t expect any of you to understand this and after reading what makes Fins happy perhaps he won’t either. Robotron was a video game created 20 years ago and was one of the hardest ever invented. And if I may be so boastful (and even if I mayn’t) I was better than anybody at it. That is a very nice feeling to know that you are very good at something and have few if any equals, regardless of how trivial the accomplishment is. 8) Playing the cello - with a caveat. I started playing the cello when I was 13. And it’s fun to be part of a group and know that you are doing something particularly well and contributing your full measure of it. I was good enough to make it into the Pittsburgh Youth Symphony. All in all, it was a lot of fun and I got to meet many interesting people. After a 20 year hiatus, I recently picked it up again. You don’t need to psychoanalyze me too much to figure out why. At first, I was just playing on my own to see if I still could. My ear, never outstanding to begin with is less than it was. Rhythm also seems trickier, but soon it was not enough. I enjoyed playing but to what end? So, I’ve joined a local community orchestra and oh I do love performing. Now here comes the caveat. When I joined, I told myself that I was just joining for the fun of it, that it didn’t matter what chair I sat. And until last week that was true. The first chair had a bit of a solo and it was really the first time I had heard her individually. Unbidden, the thought came to my mind. I am better than her. It may or may not be true but the thought is still there. In the end, I don’t think sitting 1st chair would make me any happier and yet . . . Damn competitive nature. 9) Bugs Bunny cartoons. There is a new book that just came out that talks about people like me. It’s called Rejuvenile. Formerly known as the Peter Pan syndrome. Actually the book includes a great quote from J.M. Barrie – “Greatest horror-dream that I am married-wake up screaming” 10) Growing up in Pittsburgh in the 70’s and having my football team win four Super Bowls. There’s nothing quite like the feeling in your town when your team has won it all. 11) Seeing Star Wars for the first time. I was 13 when it came out and I still remember the incredible euphoria I felt when the movie ended. 12) Reading a good book. By definition, a good book is one where the main characters don’t end up dead. (Just in case a certain author is reading this) 13) Hitting a home run (Haven’t felt this particular joy in 30 years). 14) Amusement parks
I think I will end it here for now. There are probably one or two more to come. You will notice, Amanda, that there are no work related items listed. I suppose I could think of some if I put my mind to it. The point being, I second Fins’ recommendation on taking the job. I think you set some sort of world record for not liking a job. I mean, it is pretty impressive to not like a job before you even start it. As Fins said try it for a year and if need be grit your teeth and bear it like all the accountants that work for the Big 5 (4?) firms do. There is a lot to be learned from your first job, even if you learn what it is you don’t want to put up with. And who knows, you might find one person there that you like.
Boy, that sounds far more patronizing than I intended. Do what you want and pay no attention to doddering old fools like me.
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Post by Richard on Jun 20, 2006 14:43:49 GMT -5
As Fins said try it for a year and if need be grit your teeth and bear it like all the accountants that work for the Big 5 (4?) firms do. LOL, and I actually get happy from my work, even though I'm an auditor for the best of the Big Four... Richard
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Post by Tonks on Jun 20, 2006 16:59:25 GMT -5
this is quite a loaded question amanda, and i'm glad you brought it up! it's really made me reflect and look deep inside to figure out the answer. and it's funny in a way.
my family has always told me i've been a happy child, even as a baby i literally came out smiling (they really had to spank hard to get me to scream!), and as i look back on my life now, i've just started my rollercoaster of a life that many people started years ago. i used to think it was materialistic things that made me happy, so i would surround myself with gadgets and gizmos, wanting the latest craze for my birthdays (didn't always get them, but i was fine with that) thinking that the whole family and friends thing was highly overrated. after all, when we were young we always perceived that family would be around forever, right? well, since i've started studying the medical field i found that my priorities definitely changed, as well as what made me happy. you see, for once i faced reality. (i lived a VERY sheltered life!) i saw things on the street going to school as an EMT that my parent's purposefully never exposed me to. i found out quick, hey family ISN'T always going to be around, and may be taken a lot sooner than expected. also working where i do now and in school for xray tech, it's very depressing (but, it's very gratifying at the same time) and i find myself unhappy quite often.
with that being said, here is my list of things in life that now make me happy (in no particular order):
family and friends: as said, they won't always be around. i value the friendship my sister and i have together, my relationship with my parents (it could be LOADS worse!) and i know that each of my family and friends have experiences that i can learn from and gain valuable advice and insight.
music: my one true passion. playing my violin has always made me in a better mood, especially when i know i've really played my best and have done well. it saddens me that i don't get to play as much, but i make it a point to pick it up every so often and play...even if i have to fly all the way out to new mexico to do it! ;D but, just knowing that i have that ability to just pick it up whenever i want to, and the ability to play it well makes me overjoyed. it will crush me the day that age or some unfortunate event prevents me from being able to play. singing is another part of music that i truly enjoy and makes me happy. doesn't it just make you feel great when you wake up in the morning, turn the radio on when your in the shower (or driving to work) and just belt out a favorite tune (whether your in key or not ) that's playing?? ok, well maybe not for some of you, but i LOVE karaoke!! (i will make my fellow muggies do a mugwumpian karaoke some day, you can count on that!)
traveling: seeing new places and going to different parts of the world just make me realize how small we really are. there is a whole other world out there and it is not centered on a single one of us. experiencing new cultures (although i don't think i'll voluntarily experience the french culture anymore) is eye opening and if taken in right, is mind opening. traveling to london was especially theraputic for me b/c it brought so many things that make me happy together (travel, friends, music) not to mention was very liberating for me since i went with absolute strangers.
my animals: what would i do without my 5 little pets to pester me?!?! i love them to pieces and all my animals i have ever owned have been considered family (and yes, we have cried at our animals deaths!). it makes me happy to think that by giving our min-pin lily a good home and a lot of love, she is still living today (was given 3 weeks to a max of 3 months to live-and here it is almost 2 years later!!) and onry as ever! my cats are my babies, trouble and mischief...and boy do they live up to their names...and they are the sweetest cats for being strays!! i'm just blessed to have all of them around me.
work/independence: yes i know, it's odd...how can work make you happy?! am i insane you ask? no, i'll tell you why. just knowing that physically and emotionally i am able to work makes me happy. i see patients every day who have illnesses like cerebral palsy, or downs syndrome (among other things) who are in their 30's and unable to work b/c mentally and physically they are not able to take care of themselves. i would go crazy, literally crazy if i could not work. btw: hi, my name is cali and i'm a workaholic! that explains part of the madness. i get serious gratification when i can perform an exam on a patient knowing that i got the best possible xray for an accurate diagnosis, or i've set up a transfer for a really critical patient to get the best care for them. i honestly don't think i could ever completely retire. just knowing that i'm doing something and i'm needed by someone is enough to say-i'm happy.
life: ok, a) having life is enough right there b) having life in the country i live in makes me happy as well. (*key note, not bashing other countries, merely pointing out what i love about mine!*) knowing that i live in the US makes me happy. there are so many other places where you are not free to make your own decisions, wear what you want, speak what, when and where you want (although, censorship has really gotten out of hand on some things), you can't go where you want, and women especially are ruled by men, it just makes me really glad to live here and to have grown up here.
dawning apprehension and spirituality: those particular moments in life that make you go "now i get it!" whether it be something that someone else has said, or it be a sporatic moment in time when you just all of the sudden realize this is where i need to be. whether it riding a bike and being in tune with nature, or flying at 32,000 feet looking at the world below going "OMG, we're going to crash!"--just kidding!--saying "lord i'm small, but i know i'll find my way in this world" it's just a great sense of feeling. -------------------------------------------------------- amanda, to address your b/f problem...i agree with fins. you have to keep on chuggin. you have to move away from the but's, how's, why's and move onto the what's next phase. my guess is, if he broke up with you out of the blue and didn't give you the decency of saying this all to your face or give you a reason why, he doesn't deserve you. you deserve way better than that and there is someone more suitable for you out there waiting...probably having the same thing happen to him! lol!
as far as the job? i can't make that decision, but i will offer these words of advice. take a good long look at your life, what you want to get out of that life and who you want in it. listen to your heart (and your gut!), it will never fail you. if you decide to stay in montreal there is always email, phone calls on calling cards, and weekend trips/vacations to stay in touch with your fam and friends back home. it is a great career opportunity and i think it would be wise to give it a shot for a year. the worst that could happen is you totally hate it, haven't made any friends and your boss is an ass. so what? find a new job and quit. you're young and you will have only lost a year's time...but you will gain a LOT of experience from it and learn exactly what you want from a career job. if you decide to move back home, what about that job in chicago? i'm sure you could find something there (closer to home) or use your mugwumpian connections to get your foot in the door somewhere. utilize your connections and i promise you montreal will not be the only offer. again, follow your heart, go with your passion and as far as wanting a family someday...you'll find love where you decide to go.
ok, i think i've run out of juice tonight. will see if i think of any more to say later.
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Post by sapphire on Jun 20, 2006 18:25:46 GMT -5
Hiya MUGWUMPS. I am finding the posts absolutely riveting so far. Thanks for sharing what is on your mind, and in your hearts, folks. Bng, I should have at least left "diaphanous" for you, seeing as how I had to look it up. I tend to go through phases in which I have to read everything one particular author writes, and last night I remembered a book from my Pearl S. Buck days in which a young Chinese woman has a decision to make and she asks this question: "Is life meant to be happy?" It struck me as quite poignant at the time and seems apropo to this discussion. I think the name of the book was "Peony" but I wouldn't bet the house on it. If you have ever read any of Buck's work, you know the answer to that question, and if you haven't, go immediately to your local library and get one! Please forgive me, but I have another Potterism. One of the reasons I love JK Rowling is because she puts her finger right on the sore spots and manages to ease the pain with a well turned phrase packed with truth, which, I suspect, is why people all over the world love her too. This one is for Bng in particular. It seems to me that you had to choose between "what is right and what is easy." I only wish that taking the right path was easier for you and your family.
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Post by sapphire on Jun 20, 2006 18:45:25 GMT -5
Feeling particularly talky tonight, so... In the "Misery Loves Company Department" A friend of mine told me that she received a call from a friend of hers saying that her beloved husband of 20 years climbed out the window, and out of the marriage, at 3:00am taking her only vehicle and leaving her with no transportation, no money and no way to pay her mortgage, as she hasn't held a job in 20 years. She is 53 years old. Now she is discovering that this man has more than 17 credit cards, several P.O. Boxes and E-mail addresses that she never knew of. She was married to a complete stranger for 20 years! The moral of this story: well...maybe you can fill in your own.
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Post by paulis1 on Jun 21, 2006 0:11:33 GMT -5
What a big question.. What makes you happy? Wow! I'll start off by saying that I think Sj has it right. Americans are too invested (sometimes) in this question. It is as if we somehow think that we have a right to be happy at all times and in all ways. Some people try to live this unreal life that is sunshine and daffodils 24/7, but no one can sustain that.. Well, maybe ... nah.. I digress.. I think that happiness often is an elusive goal in life. We should pursue it, but then again, we sometimes should stop pursuing and let it catch up to us. First off, I read this one book that I found helpful about the subject of Happiness - entitled "Happiness is a Serious Problem." The author's main premise (after studying the subject matter for over 10+ years) is that human nature is insatiable. And, often it is that insatiability that gets us into problems. When we place a lot of expectations on a relationship, a job, a trip, an experience, etc., we often set ourselves up for disappointment and hence, unhappiness. Instead of living in the experience, or with the job, or relationship, we set unrealistic expectations on the item we think is going to increase our happiness, only to find out that it doesn't live up (ultimately) to the image we had about it in our minds to begin with. Another problem can stem from our own nature - or temperment. Let's face it. Some of us are happier than others... something that Cali has already commented on. With me, I tend more toward the depressive end of the spectrum (in a dysthymic sort of way. - aka, low-level depression.) I tend to do best when I am so busy I don't have time to think about things too much, because I tend to dwell. This is why my current job is helpful to me. I am so busy I don't have time for depression. As to what makes me happy? Feeling like what I do has meaning and significance. My birds. Reading a good book. Spending time with people that I love and that appreciate me for who I am and not what they might expect me to be. Writing. Listening to music and/or the radio - to whatever talk show host I appreciate listening to. Contemplating "deep" thoughts. Spirituality, which may or may not include "religiosity." Listening to a good "shiur" (lecture on a spiritual and/or Biblical topic). For me, much of my happiness comes with/through feeling that there is meaning in my life. Without that, I think I would go crazy. Getting on the internet and "playing." Stuff like that... Ultimately, I think that each of us has an idea of what it is that will make us happy in the short run, and in the long run. Not long ago, on the talk show of the author of said book above, he had a show on whether it is a good thing to strive for 10's, on the happiness scale of 1 - 10 (obviously 1 being the low and 10 being the high). His thoughts, and I'm still thinking this one through myself, is that he doesn't strive for a 10. He says he tries to maintain a solid 7.5 for the most part. "Emotional experiences at the level of 10's are always followed by 1's." What he said makes sense, but I have to spend more time thinking about it. But getting back to the subject at hand, which is more germaine to the reason this thread was open... Elle, from my perspective of what you said in the beginning, I think you are going through the shock and disequalibrium (?? Is that a word??) of losing something that was significant (meaningful) to you. Depending upon how much of the decision you made to take the job in Montreal was tainted with your relationship with your ex, will determine the level of your current confusion/crisis at this time. Obviously he wasn't the whole reason you made that decision - after all, it was a great job offer as you have already said in earlier postings - but it may be that he provided something that softened the distance from your family. Now that he is no longer there to fill that role, you may be feeling a bit of a loss. Grieving that loss, which is fully appropriate for the circumstances, is a good place to start to help you find a window back toward happiness. Ultimately it will be for you to decide if the current job position is one that you intend to keep. Others have already made it clear, and I agree with them wholeheartedly, that you are in your early 20's. This is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because you can still afford to spend a year, or two, experimenting with new places, new jobs, new relationships, etc. It is also a curse for the same reason that it is a blessing - that you are still working to figure out just exactly it is you want to do with your life, your talents and your abilities. By the time you are in your 30's and 40's, you will be more settled about many more of those questions, but by then, you may want more stability and to put down some firm roots. Now is the time to experiment and learn who you are. From what I can see ... you are right on track in your life. Just keep putting one foot in front of the next and learn the dance called life. "Life's a dance, you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. Don't worry 'bout what you don't know. Life's a dance, you learn as you go..."
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Post by paulis1 on Jun 21, 2006 0:33:51 GMT -5
Oops! I just realized I forgot something... The working world... Getting out there and doing something for the first time... It can be difficult to deal with in the beginning. It is even more difficult when the A-line job (the one *you* are so excited about starting) has very human problems, such as other people's egos, *******y co-workers and/or clerical staff, cliques, an overbearing boss, etc. After working so hard to get out of high school and to move beyond, sometimes you end up back in a high school type of environment. (And this, because *you* had the unreasonable expectation that when people get older they really should be "grown up." Deep sigh... If only it could be that simple... * * = generic you - not specific... Hope that clears up the murk
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Post by Fins on Jun 21, 2006 10:18:53 GMT -5
Another thing that makes me happy is the Heat winning the NBA championship
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Post by Richard on Jun 21, 2006 10:32:58 GMT -5
i used to think it was materialistic things that made me happy, so i would surround myself with gadgets and gizmos, wanting the latest craze for my birthdays (didn't always get them, but i was fine with that) thinking that the whole family and friends thing was highly overrated. after all, when we were young we always perceived that family would be around forever, right? well, since i've started studying the medical field i found that my priorities definitely changed, as well as what made me happy. you see, for once i faced reality. (i lived a VERY sheltered life!) i saw things on the street going to school as an EMT that my parent's purposefully never exposed me to. i found out quick, hey family ISN'T always going to be around, and may be taken a lot sooner than expected. Tonks, well said, I can very much relate to that. I, too, had a very protected childhood. We lived in a good neighborhood and the only worry I sometimes had was an annoying bully which lived nearby. It wasn't until I got to the final years of High School and the start of College that my perception of things changed. Another thing that makes me happy is the Heat winning the NBA championship I'll feel a similar happiness when Holland wins from Argentina in the World Cup in a couple of hours! I am finding the posts absolutely riveting so far. Thanks for sharing what is on your mind, and in your hearts, folks. Well said and sooo true! Richard
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Post by sapphire on Jun 22, 2006 10:58:55 GMT -5
Hiya MUGWUMPS. I just find this whole discussion fascinating and can't seem to stop myself. Amanda, I hope you find support, inspiration, laughter, tears and friendship in these posts. Here is something that I was given recently which says so well what I have been slowly, painfully learning these last 40 something years: ATTITUDE by Charles Swindoll "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our Attitudes."
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Post by Richard on Jun 22, 2006 11:26:50 GMT -5
Sapphire, that fits in well with the famous DD quote about choices.
Richard
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